I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
