I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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