Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
