I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
