A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
