Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
