he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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