dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
