his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
