woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My ass is underappreciated
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
