He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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