Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
