to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
