my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
