the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
