i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
