My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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