i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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