News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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