the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
