every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
