Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
