I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
