we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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