I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
