Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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