The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
