Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
