whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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