My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
