He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
