she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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