there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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