He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
