I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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