have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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