you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
