neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
