I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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