Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
