im drinking this country out of the recession.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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