Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
