just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
