Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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