I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Even my vagina gasped.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
