I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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