I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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