Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
