Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
