You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
