I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You are a genius and a whore.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
