Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
